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Just a Man
by Alex Kimball

~*~*~

I've forgotten what it's like to sleep alone. So used to your warm body next to mine, curled around mine, on top of mine, beneath me, that without it I turn restlessly, sleep denied. I miss the quiet beat of your heart, my head resting against your breast, listening to the flow of blood through your veins, the pumping of liquid life through the chambers and valves of a complex muscle. Without that sound, my world is amiss. The loneliness comes up on me and squeezes my chest, stealing my breath and tearing at the self control I hold so dear. Almost as dear as I held you once, gathering you up in my arms, whispering to you that within my grasp nothing could hurt you, that I could protect you from everything and anything.

I lied to you. I couldn't protect you from anything, and so you left me. I see you on the street with your new protector sometimes. You never see me, I creep into the shadows at the first stir in my gut that tells me you're near. You'll be walking with her down the sidewalk, fingers entwined, bodies close together, and I'll remember when it would be me in her place, and the tears will begin to run down my face. You'll feel me in your gut, and look around, confused, because you can't see me. You'll chalk it up to bad sushi, and walk on. But I'm there, in the shadows, watching you love someone else.

Powerless, I lost you to someone who could be there for you, in the moment, in the second, instead of a minute behind. And now I can't find my way. Can't breathe without thought, can't sing in the shower while I shampoo your hair, can't kiss that spot below your jaw that makes you shiver with pleasure. Lost my chance along with my heart. I gave you everything I could imagine giving you, and now you're gone. It wasn't enough. I wasn't enough. Not for you. But then again, what mortal could be good enough for you? I look at you through love and tear-stained eyes. I'm just this man, who loved you once, and lost you once. And now I watch you love her, and die inside.

...finis...