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Author's Notes: This is a paper written for my Social Psychology class, and I presented it on May 16, 2000 to a class of about 23 high school seniors. It was well received. As a part of the presentation, I handed out a sheet of quotes, of most of the quotes contained herein. I also did an imagination exercise, which can be found after the bibliography, and showed a clip of a "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer" episode called "New Moon Rising" (specifically the scene with Tara and Willow after the all night talk with Oz, leading up to the line "Is she in love with you?" spoken by Oz in the hallway to Tara). There was a question and answer section, as well.

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"You can put a label on me- call me a big dyke, call me damned, call me whatever you want- and you will not come close to the truth." - Liz, 18 years old (The Shared Heart, 81)

I. Introduction

When the average citizen thinks or talks about homosexuals, the mental image they have is of a flashy drag queen in New York City or a big ole' truck-driving lesbian from Northampton. While both these images are accurate for a very very small percentage of queer people, they do not even begin to express the wonder and variety of the GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, & transgender) community.

On a smaller scale, when the average citizen thinks about queer youth, if they even give these young people a passing thought, there is no real mental image that is associated with the teenagers and Gen Xers who are queer. And conversely, very few gay youth have positive role models around their own age. There is often no "out" peer that they can look at and say "Look at Liz or Raphael: they're gay and out and okay, so it's okay for me to be queer too." Society ignores for the most part its gay youth. Americans must believe that the rainbow faery shows up on a person's eighteenth birthday, sprinkles fairy dust (!), and suddenly the newly-able-to-vote citizen is queer. How charmingly inaccurate.

Gay youth are a vibrant part of today's culture and society. They are coming out at younger and younger ages, forming gay/straight alliances in their schools, pushing for equality, and living "out" lives at ages that boggle the minds of queer baby-boomers. Of course, not every gay youth is an activist, far from it. Some live quiet lives mostly in the closet. Others are out to a few people, maybe only one or two. Some may be very much out, and leave it at that. And a very few never make it past adolescence: the learned self-hate became too much to overcome, or drugs and alcohol take over. It is for those very few that a few activists work hard, so that there will be fewer and fewer casualties as each year passes and society becomes more aware and tolerant.

II. The Queer Identity

Who are the queer youth of today? The answer is simple: they are youth, who by some quirk of genetics find themselves attracted to members of the same gender. There can be no other categorization, because just as all teenagers cannot be simply described, neither can all queer teenagers. Queer youth come from all races, backgrounds, religions, regions, and families. They take part in every after school activity imaginable, and go to every school in America. But how did they come to the realization that they were "not like other boys" or one of the "two in twenty" girls who like girls? Again, the answer is simple: in many different ways, under widely varying circumstances. Almost all have struggled with the knowledge that they are "different":

"Years ago, when I was 13, I walked downstairs one cold January night at 3:30 fully intending to kill myself. I was a full fledged pain pill addict, rumors were going around about me, and I hated myself. The girl I loved was not speaking to me. I held a knife in my hand, ready to slit my wrists. Something stopped me. I don't know what -- the gleam of moonlight off the blade, my own thoughts, God... At that moment I felt alone. I knew that I was." (Foery, 12/97)

A number of queer youth have struggled with suicide; it is a common theme in their writings. It is not a reflection of the youth's mental "flimsiness", as many people once believed homosexuality was an illness, but rather a reflection of how hard it is to accept being gay, especially in a junior or senior high school setting where conformity is the watchword for their peers. A knowledge of being "different" comes in many various ways: "I've never had a real girlfriend and I'm seventeen... I guess I'm kinda unusual." (The Shared Heart, 78) or "Growing up, I could sense that I was not quite what I was expected to be, but I didn't understand why." (The Shared Heart, 44) This realization could be extremely subtle, or glaringly obvious.

Each queer youth deals with this sense of different in their own way: embracing, hiding, suppressing, expressing, or perhaps a combination. However, at some point, these youths accept themselves for who they are, and begin sharing that unique individual with someone else: a teacher, parent, friend, relative, or clergy person most often. Sometimes, it might just be enough to say it out loud to a pet, or write it fearfully:

"I whispered, 'I'm gay. I'm gay.' Even if it was only to tell the characters in the books... I needed them to know. I moved aside the books, and on the corner of the oak bookshelf in a shaky hand, penciled 'I'm gay.' I rubbed my sweaty fingers over the words until they smeared into a fine dust. I knew the words had existed. I knew the dust would stay." (The Shared Heart, 80)

This process of telling themselves and other people about their orientation is called "coming out" and those who have told people are called "out". Those who haven't told a lot of other people about their orientation are called "in the closet". Also, people may be "closeted" in only certain situations or around certain people: such as at work, school, or with family.

But closeted or out, all queer youth must at some point find a way to integrate their queer identities with the rest of their sense of self. They must reduce the cognitive dissonance between what the entire world tells them they should be as opposed to what their heart tells them they are.

"I'm bisexual. But I'm also Asian American... For a long time, I thought that I had to pick one or the other. Or that I needed to have a key aspect to define where I 'belonged'. I tried to figure out what part of me seemed most important." (The Shared Heart, 4)

"I'm a bilingual, tricultural Mexican-Puerto Rican-American. So trying to figure out what I stand for, and what I believe in has been confusing. I've had to struggle with my whole identity, not just being gay, and it's that process of struggling that makes me feel proud to be out and open." (ibid, 61)

"A minority, a woman, and a queer! Who could ask for anything more!" (ibid, 72)

"Imagine I'm twenty-one years old and I am asking 'Who am I?' Wasn't I supposed to do that when I was thirteen?" (ibid, 72)

"My sexuality is a part of my identity today but not the thing that runs my life, and that feels appropriate for me." (ibid, 40)

"I'm a woman, I'm a poet, I'm a daughter, a sister, a friend. I'm an activist, I'm a Jew, I'm a leader, a scholar, a fighter. I'm a lesbian. I am not afraid. And I am happy." (ibid, 81)

It is this struggle that often marks a period of radical adjustment. Having discovered a new dimension to themselves, queer youth must find a way to integrate this discovery into who they are as a whole person, not just as a sexuality.

III. The Realization Process & Life in the Closet

"I broke down in tears when I realized I was not alone." (Foery, 12/97)

"Acceptance. The pansy, candy assed, queer of the class realizes that he is totally gay and that nothing was ever going to change that fact... And he sure as hell didn't understand why all the magazines and TV shows called it a choice- it definitely wasn't like the first twelve CDs you got from Columbia House or a free parting gift." (LaPointe, 12/99)

"I hate being in the closet. I hate feeling like I'm a liar, and I am determined to open that door if I have to break it down with an ax. But I of all people know that it is not as easy as saying 'Hi, I'm gay.'" (Gurley, 6/97)

"I don't want to confirm that I'm queer... But I can't bring myself to believe that I will have to face coming out." (Kate, 8/97)

Gay teens are youth who have confronted a very basic truth about themselves: that they are gay, or lesbian, or bisexual. That they are different in a very fundamental way from their peers, who go about cooing and drooling over members of the opposite sex. Instead, they find themselves struggling with same-gender crushes. Maybe they are in a relationship- one they feel they must hide from their friends, family, and the rest of the people around them. Many queer teens, with the near-perfect vision of hindsight, can look back and see the first stirring they might have felt of "homosexual" emotion. Others go through their childhoods fully aware of their crushes and their differentness- though they may not have a name for it.

An almost universal feeling that accompanies the realization process is the sensation that they are alone. Some queer youth are surrounded by queer or queer-positive friends and family; they are the lucky ones. But many grow up in an almost universally heterosexual environment. The first glimpse they might catch of a "real live gay person" would probably be via television. In a lot of homes, homosexuality very simply isn't spoken of. And in a number of homes, if it is spoken of, it is probably in a derogatory manner. Gay teens often feel, no matter what their logical brains tell them, that they are the only ones who have felt these emotions. Many feel they cannot talk to anyone. They don't know who it is safe to turn to, or what to do.

"I remember back to over a little over a half year ago, before I started coming out. The horrible aching emptiness. Feeling that you are alone is the worst feeling in the world." (Foery, 12/97)

Somehow, they realize that their aloneness is an illusion. Maybe they meet someone who is gay. Maybe they buy a gay magazine or book. Maybe they visit gay sites on the internet. They then come to the wonderful, empowering, life-giving conclusion: "Gay teenagers are not alone. We are united. One in ten." (Foery, 12/97)

IV. Coming Out

Coming out is considered a rite of passage for gay people. It is a defining moment in their lives and something they always remember even the faintest detail of. Some queer youth come out to a trusted friend first. Others prefer to tell a parent, teacher, or respected adult. The places are varied: around the kitchen table, on the edge of a soccer field, in a car, over the phone, or in a letter. The main reason that coming out is important is the sense of relief that accompanies it: the youth (or adult) can finally be honest about who they are with the person they have come out to. There is no longer a reason to hide.

"One of the people I recently came out to wanted to know why I was going around 'telling people about who I want to sleep with.' I spent about forty five minutes explaining. It's not a matter of who we want to make love to. It's about who we are... many of the people I've come out to have never met a queer person. Especially not one who is fifteen. There are so many myths, stereotypes, misunderstandings. We are practically invisible. I like to think I can change things by coming out. Even if it's only a little bit of light shines into a closed minded homophobe's mind, then it will be worth it." (Foery, 4/98)

For most gay teens, coming out is a way of relieving the burden of their secret. Keeping to yourself an important part of who you are is not easy. It is frustrating, saddening, and creates an aching gulf between the youth and the people they love. By coming out to someone, that gulf is erased, and the youth can perhaps be at ease once again.

But coming out is not easy. In one small survey of a very few gay teens from my hometown, it was discovered that "both saw the 'coming out' process as difficult (both respondents used the word 'nerve wracking') but rewarding in the sense that 'two seconds before you felt nauseous , but now you're free to be yourself and you don't have to hide anymore.'" (LaFlamme) Coming out for some teens means being thrown out of their homes. They might lose some or all of their friends. They could be beaten up, raped, or even killed. But for a growing number of gay teens, while coming out may require a certain amount of adjustment for those around the youth, it means perhaps bridging a gap that had been created as the gay teen pulled away, or it might strengthen the relationships they have with those around them. They are finally able to be themselves, and it is much easier to like a whole person as opposed to just bits and pieces of one.

Part V. Who Are They?

"I am of the next generation of queers. A little bit about us: ... We are under twenty one years old. All shapes, sizes, and orientations, all different backgrounds, upbringings, locations across the country, etc. In that respect, just like all other generations of lesbians, gays, and bisexuals.
We have tended to come out earlier, especially in our early or middle teens. We hear slurs against gays and lesbians in school upwards of a hundred times a day. Many of us have been threatened, beaten, ostracized, rejected, or even killed because of being out. We are more likely to know someone gay in our age group who has been injured, killed, harassed, or threatened because of our orientation than we are to know someone gay who has the AIDS virus. Freedom rings are our token jewelry.
We are as a group the ultimate forgotten niche market. Older gays and lesbians, afraid of being accused of that foolish 'recruiting' myth or of child molesting, which is equally absurd, tend to ignore us. We are more likely to abuse drugs or alcohol and be depressed or commit suicide because of fear of rejection.
We start gay/straight alliances and try to fight homophobia. We're accused of being too young to know our orientation. We're everywhere, we're confused, we're teenagers. We have huge support networks. There is a huge backlash against us because of higher gay visibility.
I would like to point out that when Ellen came out of the closet, she didn't have to go to high school the next day...
I was never recruited... No dyke stomped up to me and made me sign papers to join the queer army. I have a two-parent home. I'm a normal kid. I don't even own a toaster oven." (Foery, 10/98)

The queer teenagers of today face innumerable challenges, just like the millions of gay generations past. Their sense of identity is shaped by the media, by their peers, by their families, and by what they themselves believe is true. They exist in every social group, in every community, in every school, in every square mile of the habituated world. And the absolute only thing that connects every single one of them is their sexuality. So just as not every straight person can be defined by more than their sexuality, it is impossible to make any kind of generalization about who the queer teens of today are. They simply are.

Part VI: Fighting Back: The Gay Youth Movement

A generation ago, it very simply would have been suicidal to have been out at school, or out pretty much anywhere. That has changed drastically. Within some schools, there are entire social groups made up of primarily gay students and their straight allies. Gay-Straight Alliances are popping up in even the most conservative of regions, sometimes sparking nationally publicized media frenzies. As the national gay news magazine, "The Advocate", pointed out, "increasingly across the nation, gay and lesbian students are coming out in their schools with a sense of confidence that would have seemed impossible just a few years ago." But that doesn't translate always to wider acceptance, as was later noted: "For thousands of gay teens, life is still hellish. But more and more, gay and lesbian students are out, brave, and happy despite the obstacles they still face. Mostly they are normal American teenagers, complete with all the joy and drama that come with their age. The closet seems at least a temporary stop."

The increased number of visibly out students does not necessarily correspond to a supportive environment. Even in homophobic towns, there are out students much of the time. Even in supportive towns, there are students terrified of being outed, or unable to be out. Gay-Straight Alliances are blossoming, but only at a grassroots level. Very few states recognize that these vital alliances need protection from homophobic administrators or towns that might try and shut them down. It has been noted that alliances are amazing support groups, even to those not in them. Just knowing that there is a supportive environment in the school can often be enough. And in some cases, Gay-Straight alliances nurse their gay members through the coming out process. It is different in every town, for every student.

One problem with fighting back by coming out is that "once out, gay students are often quickly stereotyped to the exclusion of the rest of their personalities." (Advocate) One student even noted, "For some reason, they rank my orientation before my character, benevolence, and hard work. My sexuality is even ranked before my race, which I consider to be much more obvious." (Advocate) This can lead to horrible harassment: name calling, beatings, and even more violent attacks. Some students are even stereotyped as gay when they are straight, or often before they even come out or can admit that they are gay. One student from California was harassed by taunts, pornographic pictures, and death threats for three years before she came out. Alana Flores, who led the fight in suing her school district for ignoring her plight and those of other gay (or perceived to be gay) students, did not come out until her senior year, but the taunts began in tenth grade. "To the vulnerable teenager, the most horrifying aspect of the ordeal was fact that she was being harassed about something she was not ready to admit to herself- that she could be gay." (Curve) It has been noted that "gay youth are seven times as likely as their non-gay classmates to be threatened with a weapon while at school and more than five times as likely to skip school because they feel unsafe at or en route to school, and the average high school student hears anti-gay epithets 25 times each day. In addition, students report that teachers fail to respond to such harassing behavior 97 percent of the time." (Curve) Students who are out and gay are often leading the fight to not have to deal with such hardship. And all remember gay students fear that such harassment will happen to them, if it isn't already.

Part VII: The Media Representations of Gay Youth

There aren't many. It's that simple. There are a few movies, such as "The Incredibly True Adventures of 2 Girls In Love" and "Beautiful Thing", but in general images of gay youth are strikingly absent from the media. Up until last year, there were absolutely no gay teens on any currently running teen-oriented television show. That changed when the character of Jack McPhee (played by Kerr Smith) came out on "Dawson's Creek." The character was introduced after the original cast, during the second season, as a character that would come out eventually. It was turned into a "very special episode" situation, making Jack's personal discovery a ratings gimmick for a night. And almost a year later, the gay teen of "Dawson's Creek" has still not had a relationship. He has only been given the platonic gay pal of Ethan (Adam Kaufman). It is almost as the fad of a few years ago to have a gay male character in every other comedy movie. Jack is practically a token queer.

The only current show that has gone far beyond "very special episode" status is "Buffy: the Vampire Slayer", a campy drama that has tenderly this season dealt with the emerging bisexuality of original character Willow (Alyson Hannigan) by having her explore her feelings and become involved with a fellow female student at college. Unlike most series that have only a single episode with a gay character, or introduce a gay character for the express purpose of having a gay character, Willow was of the original cast, introduced in the first episode. She is one of those characters that every bookish, shy, wallflower type can relate to. And now she has discovered that she's bisexual, and has fallen in love with a girl, Tara (Amber Benson). This has produced an amazing reaction on the internet. Online forums have hailed this as a huge step forward in gay representation on television. Even though the WB network, which airs "Buffy", has decreed no kissing onscreen, it is still the first same-gender relationship between two youths on television. The writers and creator of "Buffy" have worked hard to depict the relationship extremely sensitively and realistically. Willow has a girlfriend! Not even the revolutionary "My So-Called Life" went so far as to give Rickie (Wilson Cruz) a love interest.

VIII: Frustrations & Regular Teen Angst

"I want to go out! I want to get drunk and make out with some pretty girl who is whispering in my ear that she loves me, and then giggles because she's only known me for an hour! I want to feel alive! I want to feel something, damnit. I'm seventeen and already complacent and apathetic. There really should be a rule, shouldn't there? I really shouldn't have to deal with this." (Chance, 8/99)

"How out is too out? Should I scream it in the cafeteria, go on the announcements, slap a huge rainbow sticker on my bookbag? Or is that flaunting it?" (Foery, 9/98)

"That's just one part of me... I'm bisexual, but I'm also a musician, an actress, a student, a friend, a daughter... There are many parts of me, my sexuality is just one little piece." (Sonja, 1/99)

"Why must it seem as though everyone is heterosexual?! ... I want somebody to love damn it... and I want that person to be of my same sex. Why does that have to be so difficult?! Why can't that be 'normal'? Why won't they super size happy meals?!" (Avid, 1/99)

"Be spontaneous, but carefully. Live wildly, but cautiously! Feel anything except completely bare! Live in a happy medium. Yeah. Except, I need to feel things. I need to know I'm alive. Breathing, eating, drinking, this isn't enough for me. My soul aches to be broken, but to be set free -- to be allowed to fly. Why can't I do both? Why can't I soar... and watch out for planes at the same time... hey, you know what? Live to feel alive." (Chance, 8/99)

Except for a few minor details, the frustrations, the rantings above could come from any teenager in the midst of balancing their hormones, going to school, having friends, dealing with parents, and the hundred other niggling thoughts that crowd an adolescent's mind. Gay teens are not very different emotionally and psychologically from their straight counterparts. They worry about friends, swoon over crushes, study, party, apply to colleges, and occasionally slack off. They are everywhere, they are real, they are teenagers, they are gay.

IX. The Future

"One of these days, I will dance with my girlfriend at a public dance. I will hold her close to me. And perhaps there will be people surrounding us who aren't gay... and they will not care that we are dancing." (Foery, 6/99)

"Someday, I hope people will accept all of me, not accept me in spite of my lesbianism. Someday, I hope I can run across a field of flowers into the arms my lover like straight couples do in the movies. Someday, I hope everyone will be able to say the words gay, lesbian, and bisexual without cringing. Someday, I hope that I won't just survive, I'll thrive." (Becoming Visible, 272)

It is this hope for the future that brightens the present of many queer youths. Someday, they won't be the freaks that are beaten up or taunted. Who they are won't be a synonym for stupid. They'll be able to walk down the street holding hands with the person they love. Friends and relatives won't care- will just accept and support them. Their sexuality will be a non-issue. While many gay teens express a pessimism about the present, even the most cynical have hope for a future in which being gay, lesbian, or bisexual won't set you apart from those you care about. It is a hope that our children won't understand what heterosexism or homophobia are. It is a hope that the heterosexual norm won't be so overwhelming anymore. We want to live, and love, and learn, as gay people, accepted by those around us. Someday, we all pray, we will be.

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Works Cited

"The Advocate" April 11, 2000. pgs. 24-33, 54

Becoming Visible: A Reader in Gay and Lesbian History for High School and College Students. edited by Kevin Jennings. Alyson Publications. USA. 1994.

"Curve" September 1999. pgs. 18-19

Marcel (the guy whose poetry is over in Marcel's Room. "You Got To Walk Outside Your Life: Towards Recognition of Gay Community in Our Schools". Psychology/Sociology. December 20, 1999.

http://www.oasismag.com including the authors: Sonja, Kristen Foery, Melissa Gurley, Virginia Eveland, Rory LaPointe, Avid, and Chance

The Shared Heart: Portraits and Stories Celebrating Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Young People. photographs by Adam Mastoon, text by various youth. William Morrow and Company, Inc. New York. 1997.

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The Imagination Exercise: Putting Straight People into Gay Shoes

Just sit back for a second, and imagine with me. Let's pretend, instead. You wake up in the morning to the sound of your radio or stereo player. A woman is singing a pop song, and the song has some inane lyric like "I wish that I had Jessie's girl." (and kudos to anyone who recognizes that lyric). You growl and eventually get out of bed to prepare for school. You're about to leave for school when you stop in the living room of your house. You give your dad a kiss goodbye, if you're a guy it's some kind of manly handshake thing instead. And you go over to ask your papa for some lunch money. Then you get on the bus or drive your car to school. On the way you pass billboards with beautiful women wooing their girlfriends, or handsome guys frolicking on the beach with their boyfriends. When you finally get to school, you see couples groping in the hallway- like Adam and Steve over there. You go to health class or Family Living and learn about condoms and dental dams and same-sex safe sex. You talk in class about if or when you should have sex with your partner. Everyone tells you that you should wait until you're married. There's a slight snicker as someone passes around the rumor that Jane and Karen have already slept together- and they aren't married yet. Then you go on to English and read a play about Romeo and Mercucio, two star-crossed lovers. Eventually, you trudge through the rest of your classes, and get home. Your dad is at work and your papa is too. You make sure no one else is home, and visit a site on the internet for straight teens. And you're comforted by the fact that even though there was that straight-bashing a few months back where that guy-girl couple got beaten up, that even though you can't get married because according to some conservative Christians, straight marriage would spell the doom of civilization, you're comforted because you know you're not alone. You're one in ten. You're straight. Your fathers, if they find out, would be shocked. Your friends would desert you probably. But you're still straight. You can't change who you are as much as you'd like to. You struggled with being straight for years, and you've read of a lot of straight teens who have killed themselves because they can't deal with the fact that they're attracted to the opposite gender. You've cringed as you have gone to church every Sunday and heard about how damned to hell straight people are. Doesn't matter- you have that little bit of hope. And when you sit down to watch television with your fathers that night, even though you've never seen a straight couple kiss onscreen, even though there aren't a lot of straight characters in the shows you're watching and those that are there are comic relief, even though you feel absolutely invisible, and alone, you're okay with the fact that you are straight, and nothing will ever change that, and even though you've never told anyone about your being different, it's still a part of you. You're scared, and full of pride, and full of fear. You're straight- one of those ten percent of the population that people use for insults all the time- "that's so straight!" or "breeder!" And that's okay. Because it's okay to be straight. Even though you're an outcast in society at large, it's okay. Because there's nothing wrong with being straight.

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